Ok, now this Dupree fellow really knows how to put Satan back in his shithole!

I applaud men of the cloth that aren’t afraid to call hothead Satan on the carpet. Just because I get all the virgins and ladies like the one below dosen’t give him the right to take his frustrations out on all of you.

Satan gets all of the good shows and that makes me mad! I already broke a few of my dad’d commandments while watching this, like the one about taking my name in vain and wanting to kill someone. Why can’t those religious bozos who ride on my coattails put together a great show like this for me? All I am left with are some sycophants and dried up nuns! Satan, I am jealous.

I guess it’s my turn in the confessional booth today. I admit it. I am very jealous of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He really has an advantage over the rest of us messiahs because he is not only a supreme being [beat my dad in air hockey on a number of occasions], but he is also very delicious.

I wish I was tasty. But I taste like chicken. What good does walking on water do if the kids would rather sit down and have a good bowl of Flying Spaghetti Monster for breakfast?

My dad is not a good cook, as many of you know from his attempt to offer holy hosts as some sort of gourmet meal. Didn’t work out too well. They are stale and bland and stick to the roof of your mouth when you try to chew them down.

Sure, you can dress up the holy hosts with bacon, chives and a jalepeno sauce, but it doesn’t compare to the satisfying and ultimately delicious spaghetti offered by the FSM.

But there are downsides to all of this spaghetti slurping. For one, they are very high in carbs. The body converts carbs like these to fat. So, I guess my dad wasn’t that dumb after all! He did use a backhanded way of revenge against the Flying Spaghetti Monster by including this fat-conversion characteristic in people.

Fat is not the only danger of eating spaghetti offered by the FSM. Spaghetti can kill! Here is the evidence, laid bare for all to see.

Hello, flock! Today, in Jesus’ Carpentry Corner, we will be making a bearable cross!

I was very disapointed with the Jews for nailing me to that substandard cross. It had almost no amenities and was cheaply and hastily constructed, without concern for either comfort or aesthetics. I even got a few splinters in my ass!

That is about to change. Today I will show you the proper construction of the Deluxe Jesusmaster 4000. This cross has all of the perks and benefits of a five-star hotel with the convenience of a portable crucifixion device. What savior wouldn’t want to be condemned to death while luxuriating on this wonderful death trap?

First, select some quality boards. I prefer Spanish Cedar, buy you can substitute any premium wood of your choice. Remember, don’t skimp on this part because these initial planks do most of the loadbearing work.

Next, you will want to attach a drink holder to the horizontal plank, using three 1/4″ wood screws. Remember to pre-drill your holes so that you won’t split the wood.

After the drink holder is securely fastened, locate a quality reading light to attach to the top of the vertical plank. The key here is battery operation, since there usually is not an outlet located near the crucifixion. You don’t know how boring and long the crucifixion process can be, so having a reading light will help pass the time as you catch up on the latest gossip or soduku puzzle.

Finally, add a premium foot bath. Invigorating bubble massages are so vital to rejuvenate tired feet and provide a relaxing massage. You will probably be forced to carry the entire cross to its destination, so you will be glad this luxury has not been overlooked.

Well, there you have it. You will look forward to your crucifixion with these added niceties. Kick back and enjoy!

Now, this is the kind of preaching I like. Not that lame-ass Bible stuff where they leave out all of that cussing and swearing my Dad does all the time. Also, the Bible skips over all of the good stuff, like when Moses took a leak in the Red Sea before my pops parted it for him and his buddies.

Alexyss K Tyler is preaching from the heart as she reveals the wonderful aspects of penis power. Guys, you gotta start hitting the walls and working the middle. Since I am on welfare, it is hard to get chicks into my cardboard box, but I plan on using my penis power to hammer together some discarded 2×4’s into a love shack. I may even go into ‘predator mode’, as Alexyss suggests, and put the word ‘Confessional’ on the front of it.

“I’m gonna have to stay prayed up!”

This lady can’t sing. Get off the mountain before I come up there and kick you down!
Dear flock, this is why my Dad invented drugs. That was even before the first day, before he started laying down heaven and Earth and all that wild shit!

This is MY season, followers. So let’s get cranked and give me praise! I need it and my cable bill is due already - WHY did I make months so short? Christ!

Yes, I’m not ashamed to say it, because of all of the good things my dad made like cougars and cookie dough ice cream, but he goofed up big time when it came to sexually transmitted diseases. Why did he make so many ways to get STDs? There should be no ways to get a sexually transmitted disease.

So, thanks alot, Dad! Now I have to put this cream on three times a day. How do you think that makes the Lord look? It’s a poor reflection on you and the Super Ghost. When I get the clap, so do you, so next time you make a universe, make it real hard to get an STD.

I guess if Mary Magdalene wasn’t such a slut, I wouldn’t be in this boat. I really have to learn to keep my vow of chastity more often, but sometimes sin gets stuck in some pretty weird places and I have to do everything I can to rub it out.

Betty Bowers delivers a Casio-Techno song based on God’s everlasting love and punishment for you.

Hello. As you know I am Jesus and I am on welfare. After adding the Sexual Abuse Payout counter on my website, It struck me that all of those untold billions of dollars could be going to buying me a new car. The Saleen S7 Twin Turbo is the most expensive car on Earth right now, topping almost $700,000. With all of the hush money spent on boyhood crushes, the Lord your God could be driving around in style!

But NO!

I have to take public transportation. That is, after I steal some bus tokens from old ladies, they are the most vulnerable. So thanks a lot, priests! You just cost me my ride!

For that I will ask my Dad to condemn you to hell for all eternity or maybe even double eternity if you keep paying out hush money like this! Christ!

Ok, great! Now this Flying Spaghetti Monster, supposed creator of the universe, has kidnapped my dad, God, and is holding him for some blackmail against me. Hey, Spaghetti Monster, I am on welfare and don’t have a can of cream corn to my name. WTF? What do you want from me?

The FSM can be a real ballbag. Sometimes I call him that because his two meatballs look a little like it. So what! That doesn’t mean he can just kidnap God and throw a temper tantrum. Geez! Well, apparently he wants one thousand buttons and a jar of Ragu, the Old World Style with Marinara. I don’t have that kind of scratch, so I am turning to you, my loyal visitors and believers. Please help save God from the Flying Spaghetti Monster by collecting buttons and Ragu. I know that with your holy prayers and shoppers club card, we can make it! Together.

Here is the last picture I have of my dad. I hope he is doing well and that the FSM is treating him nice and not sliming him all up with his noodle arms or feet or whatever those wiggly things are.

I don’t have to tell you that this Spaghetti Guy is going straight to hell when this is all over! Baked Ziti for you, jerk!